It’s Allie. Or maybe Storm… maybe it’s Raine. Well I tell you what, you can decide who it is because you seem to know me better than I know me.
I am getting fed up of people telling me what is wrong with me, what I should be doing with my life, and what bad decisions my own decisions are. I know, I am walking contradiction, we’ve all already established that but I really don’t give a crap. What I’m saying now is how I’m feeling now, I don’t want to be reminded of what I’ve said before or what I’ve done before, because this is how I am NOW. I’m not overthinking this time or over analyzing because I cannot be arsed, I don’t have the head space for it right now.
I don’t even know where to start with this… I’m seeing Tara (psychotherapist) and yeah she has been a bit weird with me the past week, like basically telling me that I have bipolar or manic depression and advising me to switch my medication. She also encouraged me to look into getting another job… problem is is that she isn’t qualified to be diagnosing me or even suggesting new medication, and she isn’t my careers adviser. The last session I had with her though, I actually enjoyed. She showed genuine concern for me and was encouraging me to ask my doctor to refer me to a psychologist to get a proper diagnosis. Tara said how she was worried, and that if the doctor needed to speak with her then she is more than happy for him to phone her. I actually thought that was really sweet of her, however a few friends aren’t keen on her and think that I should change my therapist after what I had told them about my previous session. After my most recent session though, I don’t actually mind staying with her, because I was open and honest with her. I actually came away feeling happier.
Another issue is that I may, or may not, have an eating disorder. Two of my friends are saying that they “know” I have an eating disorder. My doctor says I “might” have an eating disorder, and I’m saying I “don’t” have an eating disorder (which my therapist also agrees with). What I do have without a doubt is control issues. I like to control my weight, I like to keep below a certain weight and if I go past that weight then I freak out. Sure, my BMI is low and I am underweight, but I can easily talk about food, I can eat loads and eat in front of people, I don’t cut my food up into tiny pieces, and I don’t throw food up or binge eat. I’m not anorexic either. All I am is underweight. My BMI is 16.3 and the healthy range is 18.5-25, so I can understand why my friends are concerned about my weight, but that still doesn’t convince me that I have an eating disorder. I accept that there is an issue there and I’m happy to look into getting it sorted, but I don’t like being labelled as having an “Eating disorder”. Why, you may ask? I don’t know, is the simple answer. Maybe it’s because I’m already labelled as having anxiety and depression, I’d rather not start a collection of labels. Or maybe I just can’t be arsed to deal with an eating disorder along with any other disorders I could have.
Which brings me to another point: depression. Yes, I definitely have depression… but which sort? Everyone seems to have their own ideas as to what it could be. We’ve got bipolar (manic depression), disassociated identity disorder (DID) or borderline personality disorder. I can relate to all three. My one friend and my therapist believe I have manic depression, another friend believes I have DID or Borderline. One side I trust more than the other. All this thinking of what I could be is starting to make my head spin, and I just feel a bit worn out. I don’t know what type I am, but I do agree with what my therapist says that I need to be diagnosed by a psychologist, you know, an actual professional.
Which now brings me to yet another point… in order to see a psychologist I need to be referred by a doctor. My actual GP is not trained in Mental Health, so she has referred me to an actual Mental Health doctor. I feel that he is a waste of time because I’m only given one appointment once every 3 months, with a 15 minute slot. He rushes me, and just seems to pass me off. So I don’t feel like I can talk to him openly about everything, and he misses a lot of stuff which could be very important, and me being me (no backbone) I’m just like “oh ok, thanks for your time”, and then will complain about it after. My GP has told me this time to write a list of everything I want to discuss, to hand him the list and be straight with him. My therapist wants me to tell him to refer me to a psychologist and that if need be he can phone her and she will talk to him on my behalf. So my task is to bring my appointment forward, which for some reason I haven’t done yet. Why haven’t I done that yet? I don’t know, there’s your answer.
Next we have work, who I feel are starting to get a little pee’d off that I’ve been off for so long. They’ve been very supportive throughout everything, and have really been trying their best to keep in touch with me and ask how I’m doing. It’s been nearly 6 months, and I know I need to look at going back to work at some point or else I am never going back. Everyone keeps asking me when I am going back to work. Some say it’s best to wait, other’s say the longer you wait the harder it will be. My parents constantly ask about what is happening with work, and with my money. I just can’t be bothered with questions, they are adding to the washing load which is spinning around in the washing machine brain of mine. Here’s some answers for you, pick whichever one you like most:
(1) I don’t know when I am going back to work, (2) I will think about going back to work in about a month, (3) I’m not sure if I feel ready to go back to work just yet, (3) I will let you know when I feel ready to go back, (4) You decide when you think I should go back, but please just keep it to yourself and stop asking me the same damn question.
I used to think that if no one asked questions, or seemed concerned then no one cared about me. Well, I was wrong to have thought that. I take it back. I’d rather no one be concerned and no one ask questions. I wish I hadn’t attempted suicide, so then I could have carried on with these problems and then no one would be involved in my personal life because no one would have known anything about was going on. I feel like in future if there was anything going on, I’d rather just keep it to myself. Yeah, I know, I’m going backwards. I honestly don’t care. What is stupid and hypocritical is that I actually ask people for their opinion on things… so I’m causing issues for myself really. I’m putting a stop to that.
Also, people tell me how I should be. When I’m my actual self, I am a laughing stock. So often I try to say something mature, non-childish, or non-geeky, and it comes out as foolish. Some of my friends will even ignore what I say. That’s cool, I’ll just sit here in silence. People think they know my mind. This one friend of mine appears convinced that I like this guy, but he has got on so many people’s nerves that I really cannot be bothered with him. He’s a strange one, but I am friendly and polite to him if I speak with him. I don’t dislike him, I do get annoyed with him, but I am not attracted to him in any way. Maybe she thinks I like him because she actually likes him…still. But I feel like because my friends dislike him then I should equally dislike him. It’s as if they think that when he talks to me and I talk to him in a polite way back, then I’m flirting. The guy has already caused enough drama, and yeah I had a slight part in that drama, so in order to refrain from causing anymore drama I am trying to keep it sweet. I should be far too old now to be getting involved in teenage-like situations, “he said this”, “she said that”, “I hate him”, “I hate her”. Okay, I’ve said a few of those myself, I can’t deny it, but it’s time for me to phase out of it and just be peaceable. I just want to get on with people now. No more dramas, no more fall outs. Keep it friendly. That’s my aim for this year, keep it all friendly. It only causes tension and tension causes headaches, and headaches cause being tired all the time, and I’m already tired all the time, so I don’t want to end up being dead.
I’ve even been really friendly with my cousin lately. We’ve been keeping in touch and speaking almost every day. I’ve been making new friends and catching up with old friends. I’m trying something new here… like you know, trying to actually be nice for a change. Forgetting the past, letting go and moving on. Is there any harm in that? Am I causing the bosses of my life any stress by doing this? No I’m not, because I’m the boss of my life and I’m not feeling stressed out by being nice to people, even if those people have been or are idiots. That doesn’t mean that I’m turning my back on my friends though, or that I haven’t got their backs and I don’t understand where they are coming from. I’m just trying to be peaceable and then maybe my mind will feel peace. Positivity over negativity. Maybe that’s how I will get rid of my depression… or disorders or whatever they are?
Here’s to looking for the good, and ignoring the bad!